Half Of Me
by bluemornings
Summary: A series of one-shots that follow Lana Winter's life as she tries to raise Bloody Face's child.


**Hi, this is my first fic in a really, really long time!  
**

**This a series of oneshots following Lana Winter's life if she had kept Bloody Face's child. I think I'm going to try to incorporate canon versions of events (such as Maniac, her return to Briarcliff, meeting with Kit etc) but this fic is going to focus mainly on Lana's struggling relationship with her daughter and the conflict of loving her but not entirely wanting to.  
**

**I hope you like it, please review and let me know what you think!**

Lana woke to a strange and unfamiliar noise filling the room, it sounded like a wounded animal. Disorientated in the darkness, it took Lana a few seconds to realise there was a weight with her, on the other side of her bed. Turning onto her side she saw a child's face, illuminated by the moonlight streaming in through the curtains. Lana blinked twice, shocked and unnerved by the sight for half a second until the penny dropped- Renee. 

Of course it was Renee.  
But what was she doing here, in Lana's bed? Lana had always enforced the strict rule of no bed sharing upon the child, even when she was a toddler. The thought of a child sharing her bed with her made her feel sick, it reminded her far too much of that night, Thredson lay on top of her, inside of her- 

Lana forced herself to count her breaths to try and escape the memory and focus on what was happening in the now. What did the small girl think she was doing in Lana's bed? She knew it was forbidden, Lana had always been so strict… 

But as Lana stared at the child she began to see that something wasn't right. Renee was sweating incredibly but it was early December, her skin was extremely pale, almost taking on a tinge of grey. Her breathing was fast and shallow and she was curled into a foetal position, clutching her stomach tightly. Every now and then a strangled moan would escape her lips, which were cracked and bleeding, and her eyes were half closed, flickering in and out of alertness. She noticed Lana staring at her and her eyes opened wider. She seemed to be waiting for Lana to say something and they lay in the dark and the silence, staring at each other.

Finally, the girl seemed to realised that Lana wasn't going to say anything so she whispered in the tiniest of voices, 

"I think I'm sick." 

The effort that it took her to say those four words made her curl tighter into her ball and close her eyes.

Lana frowned, what was going on? She lightly placed her hand on the girl's forehead. She was burning up.

"How long have you been here for?" Lana asked.

"A while."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

Renee opened her eyes at this and, beneath the thick layer of sickness, Lana thought she saw a tiny flicker of anger.

"You don't w-want me in your bed but I- I feel so bad Lana, please." Two fat tears fell from her round red cheeks.

Lana felt a wave of pity, guilt and care for the child who lay broken in her bed. Tentatively, she stroked the girl's burning cheek in an attempt to comfort her. Renee relaxed at her mother's touch- something that made Lana feel strangely proud.

"It's okay," Lana whispered, "You wait here, I'll go and see what I have."

Lana got up and made her way towards the kitchen. She reached up into the medicine cabinet and ransacked all of the tiny bottles. Painkillers, sleeping tablets, anti-depressants, more sleeping tablets and more anti-depressants, nothing that could ever be given to a 5-year-old.

Lana suddenly realised that this was the first time in a very long time that Renee had asked Lana for any help. The thought instantly broke Lana's heart. Did the girl not trust her? Did she feel Lana's reluctance to mother? Did she feel alone? Lana was slightly shocked at the intensity of feeling that this thought brought- she wanted the girl to always believe that her mother was there for her, even if that wasn't necessarily true.

Lana headed back to her bedroom, only to find the tiny child looking worse than before. Lana pushed Renee's hair back and felt her forehead again- she was so hot it stirred a small but intense flurry of panic in the pit of Lana's stomach.

"You need to see a doctor." Lana concluded. Renee nodded feebly. "I'll call one."

Lana picked up the phone and called 911.

Lana stood anxiously at the foot of the bed, wringing her hands together, while the doctor examined Renee thoroughly. Lana never thought she'd feel fear like this again, real, true, pure fear, like she'd felt so long ago, as she stood wondering if her daughter would be okay. Again, Lana was shocked at the intensity of her feelings for the girl, what would she do if anything were to happen to her?

After what felt like eternity, the doctor finished his examination and asked Lana to step outside. As Lana went to follow the doctor out of the room she saw a flicker of movement in the corner of her eye, Renee had raised her arm weakly towards her mother, her hand shaking uncontrollably.

Lana walked back and squeezed her daughter's fingers reassuringly,

"I'll be right back." She said with a forced siled, the worry evident on her face.

"What's wrong with her?" She asked the doctor. 

"Miss Winters I think you're daughter has mono."

Lana understood. A wave of relief washed over Lana so strong that she gripped the doorframe.

"Just mono?"

The doctor smiled, "Yes. I'll prescribed her a course of penicillin and she'll be as right as reign in around a week, a week and a half."

Lana let out a huge sigh, "Thank you so much doctor."

"My pleasure Miss Winters. Make sure you give her plenty of hugs now, kids need kisses and loves as well as antibiotics in order to recover."

Lana nodded mechanically, trying not to reveal the slight terror that the doctor's words had stirred inside her as she showed him out.

Lana slowly walked back to her bedroom, pausing with her hand on the doorknob.

The doctor's words rang in her mind, "plenty of hugs now, kids need kisses and loves," Could Lana do it? Could she hold Renee as she had once held her father? Could she be a source of comfort and familiarity, of love? Could she be a mother?

Don't be stupid, Lana told herself, just do it, she's only a kid. With a final deep breath, she strode into the room.

Renee was lay awake, on her side, looking awful. Her eyes locked onto Lana's as Lana slid into the bed with her and lay on the opposite side of the bed, face to face yet a bed width apart.

Renee's breath had become heavy and laboured and Lana saw the struggle it was just to keep her eyes open,

"The doctor said you have mono." Lana told her.

"Mono?"

"It's a virus. You'll be okay in a week or so."

Renee nodded and a tiny ghost of a smile played on the corners of her lips,

"So no school?" She asked, a slight strain of smugness leaking into her voice.

Lana frowned but couldn't help smiling, amused at her child's reaction, "No school. Don't you like school?"

Renee's eyes opened, surprised at the interest of her mother. She seized the opportunity, talking slowly but enthusiastically,

"I like school. On Thursdays we write. The kids- the kids are just a- a little mean sometimes."

Lana was taken aback. Renee was always prattling on about her friends at school, Lana had heard many stories about the littles comings and goings of her daughter's day. 

"What about your friends? Martha, Lisa and, er, Peggy, right?"

Renee, delighted that her mother remember the names of her friends, that she actually listened to her when she spoke, smiled weakly,

"They- they're mean to us all."

Lana felt a protective rage ignite, she suddenly wanted these "kids" on trial, preferably waiting death row for being mean to _her kid_,

"What kids? Give me their names, I'm sure their parents would be happy to hear of their actions."

Renee laughed a tiny tense giggle, "Maybe tomorrow mommy."

Renee's eyes suddenly shot wide open at the forbidden word,

"I'm sorry," She murmured anxiously, "It just slipped out I didn't mean to say it, really-"

Lana smiled, "Shh, it's okay," she said softly, "It's who I am after all."

Lana couldn't help but run her finger delicately down the girl's nose.

Renee, inspired by her mother's sudden presence, decided to take a risk and shuffled closer to her mother. When Lana didn't pull back, as she had so often in the past, Renee moved closer until, finally, she was nestled in Lana's arms, her head in the crook of Lana's shoulder.

Lana, unsure of how to proceed, slowly scooped the girl into her arms, encompassing her in her hold.

Renee sighed contentedly.

Lana suddenly remembered that as a baby Renee had liked her hair being stroked and, even now, she often saw the girl playing with her hair when she was tired or grumpy.

Cautiously, she started running her fingers through Renee's long, dark locks. Renee murmured a grateful, "mmm" and her eyes began to droop.

As Renee's breathing became deeper and slower, Lana began to fall into a sleep but not before she felt the lightest of kisses on her collarbone. Then, she heard a tiny whisper,

"I love you mommy."

Lana's heart stopped. She felt a beat of shock and then a fierce flash of pride,

"I love you to little girl." She said back, kissing the top of Renee's hair.

It was a surprise to Lana that she found her words to be true.


End file.
